Tom was gone...in an instant...now I have two living sisters and half my Dad. In just over ten years I have lost half my birth family: the two youngest of my four older siblings, my mother, and slowly, painfully, my father. It has been two months since that terrible accident that took our Tom so I will do my best to recall for my readers the weeks that followed, how our roles have changed, how our views of care giving have morphed, and how our sense of responsibility has become more acute.
We continued our drive to the airport to pick up Kelly. No one said a word for several minutes. Mike held my left hand and Allison held my right. I broke the silence. "How will we ever tell Kelly? She is expecting a happy home coming. This is not okay."
"Let's get her bags and act normal", Mike suggested, "We'll find somewhere to sit and then we will tell her".
More deafening silence followed for several minutes. I wondered why I couldn't cry. My only brother was dead! What was wrong with me?
We arrived at the airport and waited for her at the international arrival gate. It seemed like forever. There was a food court right next to the gate so we found a table, sat and watched as one by one the passengers exited. Finally, we saw Kelly, tan and smiling, rolling out. She waved and made her way toward us. Kelly saw my eyes tearing up and exclaimed, "Aaw, Mom!" and hugged me. Truthfully, I think they really were tears of happiness to see her safely home.
"Sweetie", I began, "We have something to tell you...." and explained what had happened.
"Why didn't anyone tell me before?" Kelly asked, still stunned.
"It just happened. You were already in the air when his plane crashed", I explained, "We were on our way here when we found out". It was a heavy thing to come home to. So unfair. We rolled off to the car and headed home.
While Mike drove I began messaging Paula. Did Hillary know yet? Paula said she was still trying to reach her. Hillary's cell phone was going straight to voicemail. The message box on her home phone was full. No one had her boyfriend's phone number. Paula racked her brain to remember his full name.
Next I called Sara. We talked for over an hour. Sara asked if I needed her to come. She and her family lived in Colorado and had just moved into a new home a day earlier. I knew she was exhausted. On top of that, apparently I was not that upset. I had known for hours and no tears, no lashing out, nothing.
"Nah, it's okay. I know you have a lot going on. It's sweet of you to offer but I'll be okay", I reassured her.
"Okay, well if you need me, you know I'll drop everything and hop in the car", she replied. I knew she meant it.
Then I called Ann.
"Oh, Erin, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" she asked. I couldn't believe she was thinking of other people's pain at a time like this. It was her husband that was killed. What a rare and good person.
"I'm fine, honey. How are you and Casey?" I asked.
"I don't know what we're going to do. Tom was my rock. He was Casey's best friend. I can't imagine life without him", she lamented. There really was no comfort I could offer her other than a sympathetic ear and reassurance that we would all help her through this.
After we hung up my phone rang again. It was Candace, my walking buddy and the mother of Allison's best friend, Heather. Candace was crying uncontrollably.
"Heather just told me what happened! That's so horrible! I'm so sorry!" she sobbed.
Now I was getting unnerved. Candace had never met my brother but she was taking this much harder than me.
"It's okay, really! I'm fine!" I told her.
"Aren't you upset?" she asked, surprised at how composed I seemed.
"Well, yeah, I'm upset", I responded (God, I hope I'm upset! What the hell is wrong with me?) "I just don't grieve like that. Actually, I'm kind of surprised myself by how level I am right now."
I finished talking to Candace and called Paula. "Have you been able to reach Hillary yet?" I asked.
"No, I have left a few messages. I hope we can reach her tonight. I don't want her to find out on the news", she said.
"Oh, God, I hadn't even thought about that!" I replied, "Even broken, his plane is pretty easy to recognize. If they show the plane and she sees it, she will freak."
"Do you think we should go over and tell Dad tonight?" she asked.
"Only if we find Hillary. I think the three of us should tell him together", I said after some thought. "I really don't see any point in telling him tonight. If he doesn't retain it we will have to do it all over again tomorrow. Better to do it when he doesn't have to be alone." She agreed, so that was the plan.
I only had one more thing I wanted to do before calling it a night. I kept asking Mike the time trying to determine whether his parents in Europe would be awake. Mike's parents are wonderfully supportive. They have been like parents to me as well. I wanted to reach them as soon as possible to assure them that Kelly made it home safely and to tell them what had happened. We definitely didn't want them hearing from a third party. After all, they had know Tom since he was twelve. Better to hear it from us. Starting at 11:00 PM I began trying to Skype them. I must have tried ten times. No answer. Mike kept asking me why it was so important to me to reach them that night. I wasn't sure, I just knew I really wanted to talk to them. It didn't matter anyway. They weren't answering. It would have to wait until tomorrow.
I went to bed. Sometime around 2:00 AM Paula finally was able to reach Hillary to break the news. Hillary was inconsolable. (Seriously...what was wrong with me???)
To be continued...
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