Have I mentioned my Dad's stubborn streak? I'm pretty sure it runs in our family. It is almost impossible to get things done without bribery or blackmail but the things he resists have changed over the years.
I recall having the first major disagreement with him in quite a while a few years back when my nephew from Ohio and his wife came to visit. We hadn't seen him in years so it was a big family event. We had to car caravan to a remote but very highly recommended outdoor Tex-Mex restaurant as they wanted to try the local flavor. I was assigned to drive Dad, who still wanted control of his own driving, and we were trying to transition into giving that control to others. Knowing the drive would be difficult for me and dangerous for Dad to even attempt, I proceeded to try and convince him to get into my car. After arguing about who would drive for about ten minutes, he finally got in but gave me the silent treatment for the entire forty five minute drive. I tried several times to strike up a conversation but he just sat there looking out the window, so hard for him to give up control, especially to his youngest child. I know he was safer with this arrangement but resented that, of all the people who could have driven him, the task was assigned to me. We all still had a good time that night, and seemed like he forgot how mad he was...right up until we drove home. Back to the silent treatment. I think just getting back in on the passenger side was enough to jog his memory. It occurs to me as I write this that, even then, things that upset him seem to stick in his memory longer, much like the more recent shower argument with Hillary. On the up side, the bigger impact makes future arguments shorter and more productive. On some level he really does not want to upset the people he loves and would much rather find a way to give in while maintaining the veneer of resistance.
Continued dispute has become part of the routine. He used to resist his meds a lot more but now instead of giving him a choice I pop them directly into his mouth. Once when I had a visit that overlapped with Hillary's she saw me walk up to him with his next dose of pills and just say "Open!" He opened his mouth, I popped them in and handed him his drink. This surprised her and she asked, "You don't just give them to him, you put them in yourself? Why?"
"Because", I explained, "He palms them if you turn your back".
"How do you know?" she asked. I knew she knew he was doing it, too, but I guess she wondered if I had proof.
"I have found them under and in the chair, and no one could swallow a handful of pills as fast as he tries to pretend he does without a drink to wash them down. I also think he pockets them when he can. I don't give him the chance anymore and he doesn't really resist, either."
Back when the schedule first started, the hardest part was getting Dad to do his eye drops. This battle was much harder then the meds have ever been...of course that was also before I stopped giving him the option to do them himself. It started when Paula sent all of us a group email letting us know that Dad was not taking his eye drops as regularly as he should and it was apparent at his last eye appointment. We all needed to make more of an effort with the drops.
The next time I went to Dad's house, Mike came with me and we watched a baseball game together. About halfway through the game I decided it was eye drop time....Dad decided it wasn't. He absolutely refused no matter what I said and began the "I'll do it later" fib the he has tried so often even to the present day. I wasn't as persistent then...just vented my frustration in text messages to Paula. She would console me with, "You can only do what you can do". Still, I knew I had failed.
After a few more visits I developed my "dessert for eye drops" approach. It worked...mostly...but it took forever for him to be able to hit his own eye and there was always a lot of swearing. Still very frustrating. One day we had a big family lunch at Dad's house and I saw Paula do something I had never considered...Paula made Dad, who protested the whole time, put his head back and she put the eye drops in herself. She wasn't mean about it, just firm, ignoring his griping and telling him "Just put your head back, Daddy. These are the easy ones". I was amazed and enlightened by this approach.
"I can do that???" I thought. Man, wouldn't that be easier! Dad was much stronger and faster then and I have to admit his size and strength intimidated me as much as when I was a child so the thought of actually telling him what to do had never even remotely occurred to me. Okay, then, I would try it.
I can not recall exactly how it worked out but that became the routine: promised dessert for eye drops, insistence on putting the drops in for him, mild resistance and then success. Other battles have proceeded exactly the same way. Start with failure, find a bribe, develop a routine, eventual success. My approach has become increasingly bold as the years have gone by, most recently peaking with Thursday shower night. My approach, once hesitant and somewhat resentful, has evolved into a comical fitness instructor approach which seems to keep the mood light and make him feel less forced into something he would rather not do. It works for me and ultimately he is better off if I stay up beat.
After our difficult visit Wednesday last week I came home that night distraught. "He's going to die in that chair if he won't give up this need to see us to the door", I said to Mike, sobbing. "We all know he just goes back to that chair when we leave." It may have been hysterics on my part but it felt very real at the time.
Dad's swollen feet are somewhat under control but he needs to be moving around more. I asked Mike for his help the next night, shower night. I have a theory that if a man is present, Dad will resist more. It's just an observation that I've built up over time. I can understand not wanting to take orders from a tiny woman in front of another guy so in the interest of getting the job done, I asked Mike to make sure I got him into the shower before he and Allie arrived. It would just make things easier and more pleasant. Hillary still was there with her boyfriend but they were on their way out. Although it may have just been an impression, it seemed he stopped resisting my clowning blackmail as soon as they left.
After my usual cheer leading, playful taunting and bribery I got him to shower and began dinner. Mike and Allie arrived just as dinner was ready and Dad was finished dressing. Perfect timing! After we finished I told Dad he needed to take a walk before he got his pie. Surprisingly, he didn't resist and we went out into the already dark back yard. I turned on the flashlight app to my phone and let Dad know it was just to look for "land mines" left by Buddy all over the yard. We had a slow but successful walk, narrowly avoiding a few little steamy piles usually prompting Dad to ask what I was holding that was lighting up so brightly...it was obviously not a normal flashlight. We made our way cautiously up the steps and finally sat down to enjoy dutch apple pie and a movie together. Not too far into the movie, Dad fell asleep. Since we were all quite tired I motioned to Mike to take Allie home and I would attempt to get Dad to bed to put his feet up. Before doing this I decided to make his bedroom a little prettier, changing the sheets the white thermal blanket on top for nicer sheets and a beautiful red and gold Christmas comforter, throwing the old one and the sheets in the washer. Then I began my final task of the night.
"Daddy? I think you're too tired for the rest of this movie. How about we go to your room and do your night time eye drops? We can finish the movie tomorrow", I asked, cautiously optimistic.
To my surprise he didn't resist at all. "Okay, that's sounds good", he said sleepily. "REALLY?" I thought, "Cool!!"
I held his elbow to the bedroom, still no resistance. Took off his shoes, pointing out how comfy the bed looked, to which he nodded with a sleepy smile. Helping him position his feet, I then put his eye drops in and fibbed, "It's okay to go to sleep now, Dad. Mike and Allie are in the car waiting for me, and I have my own key and can lock your door. I will call you when I get home."
He nodded, "Okay."
"Good night, Daddy. I love you", I said kissing his cheek. He nodded again, eyes still closed. I ran out, grabbing my purse. It had worked! He didn't follow me out...no lights came on as I made my way up the driveway. A vast improvement over the night before. Maybe it won't be the norm but I felt the glow knowing he was safe and in his bed.
To be continued...
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