We all were heartbroken when Jenny died. Certainly, it was inevitable. She had been abusing her body for years, ignoring her family's pleading with her to get help. I think the real mercy is that she never had an alcohol related accident and therefore didn't take anyone's life but her own. In the weeks that followed her passing, everyone had to not only deal with the grief but an extra caregiver shift each to cover Jenny's absence. None of us realized what a large contribution Jenny had been making, but we soon found out. Jenny had been bringing over her dog, Ego, to play with Dad's dog, Buddy. Ego was old and slow, but he loved to hang out with Dad and watch Buddy run. Sometimes while I was there Jenny would call to remind Dad that she was coming to visit. "My little Ego misses his grandpa," she would say. Dad would laugh and say, "Well, bring him on over! I wouldn't want him to be unhappy". I think she really knew how to make Dad feel important and he did the same for her. We could all really have taken a lesson from her...and now she was gone.
Paula and Hillary put together memorial packets to send to some of the relatives who lived out of state. They were not as elaborate as the photo albums we made following Mom's death but they filled in the gaps for our aunts, uncles and cousins who didn't know Jenny very well. What they did know wasn't particularly flattering; a re-education was necessary to appreciate the kind hearted human she was, loving and frail, in spite of her mask of defiance.
There were other things throwing off the family equilibrium. The recession had hit my home life hard. I graduated with my bachelor of science in Accounting two months before Dad retired. I had a strong GPA and thought after Dad's office closed I would find work quickly. If only it had been so easy. I immediately papered the metroplex with resumes upon graduation. Dad was prepared to let me go early if necessary but offered to keep me on even after the official closing to help with the task of tying up all the loose ends. It ended up taking five months after he shut the doors for good before I received a legitimate job offer. A large camera and lighting company needed an accounting specialist. The job was fun and moderately paced. I got my feet wet in basic accounting...very basic...but at least there was the additional excitement of working with a company directly involved in filming and lighting movies and TV series. A year later fate decided to change my course with the 2007 Writer's Guild Strike. With nothing being written, there was also nothing to film. My location saw its first layoffs in over twenty years. As I began seeing our company's locations closing and more and more layoffs, I decided the writing was on the wall and papered the metroplex again. This time I found a new job quickly through a placement agency as a staff accountant for a fastener company and put in my resignation at the job I really didn't want to leave.
Whether I was making the right decision in leaving or not, the new job was a miserable failure. Even the commute had been a nightmare, being over an hour each way. I had bitten off more then I could chew and the demands of the job were far more then my education and time could handle. I was asked to resign and was given two weeks as a courtesy to find another position. As disappointing as it was in a way, it was also a relief.
Fortunately (sort of) I found, through the same placement firm, a position with a CPA that would start a week after my last day at the fastener company. The CPA was a hard worker and believed in the rights of his clients, most of
whom were lesbian, gay, and transsexual couples or business that
supported the LGBT community. In my interview he asked me if I had any
problem working with with gay and lesbian clients or their businesses. I
said, "No. Will our clients care that I'm straight? It doesn't change
how the books are balanced." He liked me immediately. The CPA knew my skills were very green but decided to give me a chance anyway because he appreciated my positive attitude. I quickly learned that my new employer had serious anger management issues and saw no problem with humiliating his staff publicly. He frequently screamed, threw things and threatened to fire the whole staff. The sad thing is that personally I liked him. He was extremely generous to his employees and passionate about providing the best service to his clients. He just was very unprofessional in his treatment of his staff and as far as I was concerned he didn't have time to train me fresh out of college when he already had a hard time hanging on to other, more experienced employees. After three months he came into my office and closed the door. "It's at least half my fault", he admitted. "I knew you were inexperienced but hired you because I just really liked you". Truthfully, I felt it was way more then half his fault but it really didn't matter. He was very generous, giving me one month of severance pay and agreeing not to tarnish my employment record. Once again, although I was disappointed at having been asked to resign, I was also relieved. There had to be a better job out there...and there was.
Before my severance was completely used up I found a job with an oil and gas engineering company that I will call OGE. The online listing jumped out at me; the job requirements listed everything I had learned at my three jobs since graduation along with other general office skills for which I was more then qualified. I went in for the interview and found out that one of the controlling partners was also a patient of my father-in-law. Their senior accountant, Lydia, was a very nice woman with whom I hit it off immediately. Within a week I felt right at home and the other secondary bookkeeper, Krissy, was fun to work with. We had a lot in common and often chatted as we worked. It was a perfect fit...and, sadly, fate decided that this job wouldn't last either.
For some reason, large segments of OGE began resigning to join another company...one started by a former partner of our company who had been forced to resign and sell back his shares. While this was going on, another employee filed a law suit claiming sexual harassment by two OGE executives. I don't know whether her allegations were true but that scandal threatened the very foundation of the company. Layoffs began and the company was reduced to a skeleton crew. At first, Krissy and I thought we would be spared. How could they run an accounting department with less then three people? We were very naive.
Only a year after I was hired, the two remaining executive partners and Lydia called me into the conference room. I braced myself, knowing what was coming. They were very kind, offering me glowing letters of recommendation that they had already prepared. Unlike the other dismissals, this one got to me. I cried as they hugged me and assured me everything would work out. They allowed me to remain in the conference room to compose myself before I went back to clean out my desk. I emerged, wandered into my office, sat down and looked over at Krissy who was waiting anxiously to know what had happened. I looked at her, not yet ready to talk, and just waved "bye-bye". She gasped, started to cry, walked over and hugged me.
"This isn't fair. I'm so sorry. I'll miss you", she said.
"I'll miss you, too", I replied. "I'll keep in touch. Maybe we can still hang out".
We have kept in touch through Facebook and have met for drinks a few times. She even helped me search for another job.
While all of this was happening, our family was becoming more and more aware of Dad's memory issues and of Jenny's downward spiral. It really felt as though our world was crumbling around us.
Between the recession and my overall inexperience, my employment record was taking a beating. It was five more months before I would get another serious offer. During that time I did some temping to bring in whatever income I could. For the first time I had to collect unemployment. It was a real blow to my self esteem.That was when I had my epiphany about my overall health and began running. It provided a much needed boost to my confidence...much needed because there were many more blows to come.
To further complicate matters, Mike was having job issues of his own. What was once a successful management career at a large retail jewelry chain took a turn for the worse when he was transferred to a struggling store with a hostile crew. He did his best but was unable to turn the store around. His reputation as a miracle manager was bruised. The next store didn't fare any better, not because of his efforts or his crew but because of policy and industry changes and unfavorable demographics. Jewelry is a luxury and our damaged economy hurt the industry. Considering all of this, the company was looking for someone to blame and after the CEO was fired, store level managers became the scapegoats.
Facing possible termination Mike did something I never expected; he requested a demotion. Even his regional manager was stunned by his request. He waited until after talking to the RM to explain his decision to me. He tried very hard to spin it as a good thing, more possibility for commissions, better hours, etc. I knew what his real plan was: to re-establish himself as a master salesman and eventually work his way back into management. Although the foundation of this strategy was sound, things of this sort rarely work out as planned.
Managers and employees at his company were quitting left and right based on foundering confidence in the company's stability. He was promoted back into management but by then he was already looking to leave the company. Mike was secretly courted by another large jewelry retailer. They offered him immediate placement as a manager in a store close to home. It sounded like a dream opportunity so he accepted. Long hours and unreasonable demands quickly soured his feelings about his new job. Compounding the strain, he was having arthritis flare ups and the brutal 10 hour shifts spent mostly on his feet were excruciating. His doctor prescribed him a strong pain killer. It helped.
I knew Mike's new regional manager was trying to place blame for his own mistakes on Mike but was not aware how far his RM would go to cover his own ass. One morning, as I sat on our bed sending out resumes on our lap top, Mike came home. He had only been at work for an hour; this was strange. He had a funny expression on his face.
"Hi", I said suspiciously. "What are you doing home?"
"You know how I know my new pain med is working?" he asked.
"How?" I responded, wondering where this was going.
"Because, I'm not that upset that I was fired this morning", Mike replied. Although he was smiling, I could tell he was worried how I would react.
All I could think of was how many jobs I had lost in the past three years and how he never got angry or cast judgment on me when each one was yanked away.
"You hated that job!", I laughed and said, "Let's find you something better."
All of the anxiety disappeared from his face and he jumped onto the bed and kissed me. "I love you!" he said laughing with me. It would be okay. No matter what, it would be okay as long as we were in it together.
The next two jobs were no better, but like me, he just kept getting back on the horse. In the mean time I accepted the first job that came along, bookkeeping assistant at a family owned builders supply company that I will call BSC. In the beginning it was a good job, the people seemed nice in spite of the fact that the position for which I was hired had a high turnover rate.
About five months into the job I started getting clues about the reason for the disturbing turnover of my position. The owner's grandson, Todd, was a man about my age with a volatile temper and a tendency not only to lie in order to cover his own mistakes, but also to plant "evidence" in the bookkeepers' offices so he could also assign blame. His father, George, also had an explosive temper and turned a blind eye to his son's unprofessional behavior. Todd was the heir apparent and could do no wrong. Todd's uncle, Richard, was the head of the Accounting/Bookkeeping department and was well aware of Todd's ugly tricks. Although he did his best to protect me from his nephew he was unable to make the job more tolerable. Todd's Grandfather, Doug was the primary owner of the company. He was a kind and honest man who did his best to keep the peace, but at 87 years old, he was rarely around. It was very clear that Todd looked forward to Doug's passing, and since George was in very poor health, Todd thought he could just act like he already owned the company. Working under him was hell and most days I came home on the verge of tears.
After the first nine months I wanted to quit. There were several times when I threatened to walk out and Richard talked me into just taking the rest of the day off. The only real reason I was staying was to build a longer employment history that didn't end in layoff or forced resignation.
There were only two times that I can honestly say BSC was good to me. First was when my father had his blood clot. BSC allowed me to take extended lunches in order to relieve whoever was watching him to run any errands or just get out of the house for a few minutes. Although Todd shot me some dirty looks and made some loud over-the-shoulder remarks at my expense, for the most part the company as a whole was understanding of the necessity for less rigid rules under the circumstances.
The second incident was only a month later when my in-laws, Nick and Louise, were in France on their annual extended vacation. We received an alarming e-mail from Nick telling us that Louise was in the hospital and her blood platelets were dangerously low, so low she was in serious danger of bleeding out. Mike, his brother, Brian, and his sister, April, all hopped the first flights available, fearing they would be too late to say goodbye. From my office I was allowed to close my door and chat with them online while they were in France. Again, I received nasty looks and comments from Todd but overall understanding from the rest of the company. Miraculously, Louise survived, and what looked like an emergency trip to say goodbye turned into a wonderful family vacation for all of them. Mike Skyped with me and the kids every night he was away and as the visit dragged on the chats became tearful wishes by all of us for him to be back home. Mike returned after 10 days, glad to be home and his mother well on the road to recovery. It was one of the toughest things we had gone through together with the best possible outcome.
If these crises were not enough, in October I injured my back lifting a mountain bike onto the bike rack of my car. Actually, that was just the climactic cause; with four bulging/herniated lumbar discs and one that was torn and leaking, I'm quite sure my injuries were caused by multiple times of me lifting things far heavier than I should have attempted. The damage to my lumbar discs caused sciatica in my right leg that traveled from my butt, down my hamstring and into my calf. I also had numbness in my toes. The pain was terrible and for a while on bad days I would use a cane to reduce the pressure on that leg. I would not only need steroid spinal injections but also physical
therapy. The injections and PT were very expensive. For three months I had to live with the pain while we saved the money for the treatment. When we finally could afford it, the treatment used up not only our savings but all of my sick time and personal days as well.
Todd took every opportunity to belittle my pain by mentioning one of our employees working with psoriatic arthritis and another who had recently undergone hip surgery, rolling his eyes and acting angry when I limped from the pain. He taunted me about it so much that I had a closed door meeting with Richard. "Other people's physical problems are beside the point", I said angrily. "If I need to show you the MRI, just let me know. I'm sure my doctor would also be more then willing to give you a letter explaining the extent of my back problems if I ask him to." Richard agreed that Todd was out of line and tried to get him to back off. He was not successful.
Dealing with the treatment and the harassment while trying to keep up with Dad's schedule was almost impossible but we did our best. Mike and I tried very hard to minimize the problem around my family. It wasn't until after I completed my injections that they were aware of the problems we were having. They didn't need one more source of stress any more then we did. The injections and PT worked wonders and the pain was gone by the time Jenny passed away.
I toughed it out for two years at BSC but as soon as that second anniversary passed I put my resume back online. An opportunity came up just days later. Before my first interview Mike talked to me very reasonably. "Baby, don't just jump on the first opportunity this time. Shop it a bit. Your current job is in no jeopardy. Find the right job for you."
Todd's harassment had escalated lately and I was pretty desperate to escape but I listened to Mike and resolved to take his advice. The first interview was with a well established CPA firm. I was interviewed by a partner of the firm but was surprised when he told me that they had chosen my resume not for their own firm but for a powerful client who wished to remain anonymous. The interview lasted five minutes and it went extremely well. The only question that made me uncomfortable was when the partner asked, "Why are you looking to leave your current job?" I decided that the best response under the circumstances was an honest one. "Hostile work environment", I said candidly. Upon hearing this response he looked up from his note pad and directly at me, I imagine to size up my response in relation to my body language. I'm not sure what he saw but I guess he was satisfied.
"I will send your resume to our client this afternoon", he told me. "I really think you would be an excellent fit for this office...but even if they decide to continue looking I know of several clients looking for your skill set. I think we could help you find a new position easily."
Hearing this convinced me that I could trust him and that he must have had some experience with a "hostile work environment" for him to sympathize with my dilemma so quickly.
The next day I received a call. It was the client's business partner, Lisa, asking if I would have time to come in for an interview the next day. I told told her if she could arrange the interview for around noon, I could definitely work it out. No problem; the interview was set.
As I drove to my interview I kept repeating to myself, "Don't leap at the job if it is offered. Take time to think it over."
I arrived at the beautiful old downtown skyscraper, a mere ten minutes from BSC and road the antique elevator to the 8th floor. The office door was wide open but I knocked anyway. A tall, older man walked out of one of the offices. He was wearing a t-shirt with a wrinkled button down shirt over it and comfortable, day-off jeans. Never had I been interviewed by someone dressed so casually...it actually made me feel quite at ease. He introduced himself as Allen Baxter, walked me into his office and offered me a chair. The office was large and impressive and it appeared Mr. Baxter had multiple irons in the fire. He held up my resume, looked it over and said, "Yes, I think you will fit in here quite nicely. How much do you need to join our group?"
I was stunned. I had never been asked such a question on my first interview with a potential employer. I told him what I currently made. "I would prefer a lateral move but what I really need is great insurance", I began and then briefly explained Allison's IGHD.
Mr. Baxter grabbed a notepad and started writing, "I can definitely meet your current salary. I think I will just add you to my insurance. I'm pretty sure they will waive the waiting period and start you immediately if I ask them to. Let me tell you a little about it. I shopped this insurance for myself. It is the best insurance available. It will be in addition to your salary." My mind was reeling. This job offer was essentially the same as a $10K raise! He then gave me a quick tour, showing me my office and pointing out "it's lovely view of the Bass Empire".
"Do you need to give two weeks notice?" he asked. I said I would prefer it if it was okay with him. "Okay", he replied, "I will have you start on the 17th. Will that work for you?" I nodded, still trying to wrap my mind around what was happening. "Very good! Let me get you one of my cards", Mr. Baxter produced a business card and shook my hand, "Welcome aboard, Erin!"
"Thank you so much for this opportunity! It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Baxter."
I stepped out of the building and floated to my car, still not believing what had just happened. As soon as I got to my car I called Mike.
"Well", he asked. "How'd it go?"
"I got the job!" I said, still recovering from the vertigo of the experience.
"You told him you would think about it right?" Mike said, slightly panicked.
"No, I don't think Mr. Baxter hears 'no' very often", I said with a chuckle. "Believe me, you want me to take this job."
"Okay, convince me", Mike said.
"Same salary but insurance is fully paid...and it's 'rock star' insurance".
"HOLY SHIT, BABY!" All doubt was clearly gone. "That's awesome!"
"Gotta go quit my shitty job now!" I said, thoroughly elated. Free at last!!
I was sorry to disappoint Richard with my resignation but I was very direct with my reasons for leaving. "Hostile work environment and unprofessional behavior on the executive level", I explained. During the two weeks that followed I barely saw Todd...in fact, he took great care to avoid me entirely. It is entirely possible that his fellow executives had a big pow wow and decided it was better to walk on eggshells around me in case I was planning to sue for harassment. The front office manager at one point took me aside and asked what I had said to be treated with such respect in my last two weeks. She apparently had never seen anything like it before. I told her about my resignation letter and she was floored. Apparently, none of my predecessors had had the nerve to put the truth in their resignation and the fact that I did had spooked the owners. I was delighted that my parting gift to Todd and his negligent family was a little nail biting. It was the least I could do after all they had done for me.
Life at the Baxter Companies is another world compared to BSC. The first few weeks felt like I was on vacation. Also, the work is more interesting and I am much more involved in the accounting processes then I was at my previous positions. My co-workers are both single mothers and if there is one thing they are flexible about it is the high priority my girls take in my life. Mr. Baxter and Lisa frequently travel so it is often just me and Deanna, the primary bookkeeper, attending to the daily office operations. Whenever Mr. Baxter comes back from one of his trips, he is always happy to see us, often giving us quick, fatherly hugs and saying, "Nice to see you again", before getting back to business. However hard life was before, Mr. Baxter and my coworkers, Lisa and Deanna, are the nicest people in the whole world. I can't imagine being happier at a job them I am now; this job was worth the wait.
I don't remember how it began but early in my employment with the Baxter Companies, Deanna and I found we had a lot in common, having both been through difficult divorces, single parenthood, alcoholism of a loved one, and aging parents. After a while I began talking to her about Alzheimer's and it's progressive effect on Dad. She was such a good listener that I wasn't sure if she was really interested or if she was just being nice. One day I started telling her about one of Dad's loops and I stopped, "I'm sorry to keep dumping all of this on you."
"You're not dumping on me", she protested, "I love hearing stories about your Dad! He's so funny, I don't even know him and I just love him." She really wasn't just being nice. She was sincerely interested.
Shortly after this she told me about a book she had read that was written by a caregiver of a man with Alzheimer's. As she talked about it I found so many things to which I could relate. I had not only gained a confidante but a new perspective on the disease that was causing me and my family so much stress. These conversations were crucial because they brought me to a change in perspective about how I was dealing with dad. I was too impatient, too redundant, not creative enough. I could and should do so much more.
Maybe I could not change the path Dad was on, but I could change my approach and try new things. It would all work to make our journey more tolerable...and most importantly, I could actually use the disease as a tool to be closer to Dad. The beauty of Alzheimer's, if you can see it as a positive, is that even if you screw up, become aggravated, have an argument or storm out, the next day you have a clean slate. Second chances may not be infinite but they will be plentiful and you can learn something and become a better caregiver and even a better person with each one...and you will feel better about yourself and the care you are providing for your loved one, too.
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